Penis Monday!

Go Puck Yourself

Glee star Mark Salling celebrated July 4th by laying poolside and giving us another reason to drool into our cereal this morning.  Mark hung with some male friends and not with any of his latest flings. 

The End of Jack And Jill

Jack and Jill were a pretty well known couple.  Both have a long past of hookups that graced many magazines.  So when Jack and Jill stumbled upon each other, the paps ate it up and the celebs loved it.

Jack is a well known actor best known for film while Jill is all over the board.  For a couple of months these two were hot and heavy, milking the publicity their tryst was getting as well as the added bonus of the hot sex.  Jack is known for his adventurous ways in bed and knows how to rock the boat just right.  For 2 months they bumped ugly any chance they got and when Jill realized she was pregnant, their relationship went to another level.

This couple had a quickie wedding and welcomed their lovechild into the world.  But Jill didn't realize that she married a master manipulator.  I mean he isn't an award winning actor for nothing.  Poor girl comes home one day to find the locks changed and a note telling her that the marriage was over and she would be sued for full custody.

Instead of trying to get the baby back, Jill has drowned herself in drugs and booze and her career is about to drown as well.  Most of the public doesn't even remember her having the kid, just seeing her turn into this hot mess and vanishing off of the radar. 

Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green Married!

Recently engaged Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green eloped late last week in Hawaii after a very short engagement.  I guess she didn't realize that maybe her losing the engagement ring in the sand was a sign, however it seems that these two washed up actors have decided to spend their life together talking about how famous they once were.

Brian's baby mama Vanessa Marcil is also engaged but it seems that Brian and Megan beat them to the punch. 

Happy Topless Tuesday!

Novak Djokovic

 

 

Penis Monday

Fash Bash

Ashley Greene

Mavis Beyotch: Even though it looks slightly like she's wearing a bed sheet, it's simple and elegant.  Vive le bed sheet!
Kate's Evil Twin: The bed sheet, really Nikki?  Aren't you dating some bazillionaire left over who used to date Paris Hilton?  Did Paris Hilton sneak in one night with the spare key and take all your good clothes?  Wait.  *listens*  So.... apparently this is NOT Nikki Reed.  This is some other interchangeable actress who plays a vampire. Whatever, it's still a bed sheet.
Gossip Boy: Dude, you got the money you wanted, you can stop playing the poor girl and wearing your linens.

 Madonna

Mavis Beyotch: Poor dear.  She is somehow confused and believes that she's still in Dick Tracey...this time as  Dick Tracey.  Must be that hot young cabana boy she has.  Has made her brain just the tiniest bit squishy.

Kate's Evil Twin: Here are my keys.  It's a black Audi.  Don't scratch it this time and don't drive it too fast around the block or you won't get Mr. George Washington here.

Gossip Boy: What the F*ck?

 Nikki Reed

Mavis Beyotch: So this is how the swan dress that silly Bjorck wore years ago was recycled.  Either that, or she has a serious addiction to chicken, and doesn't know what to do with the feathers.

Kate's Evil Twin: So THIS is Nikki Reed.  Honey, Kristen is pulling off the random figure skater dress much better than you.  It's all about the accessories.  See below.

Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart, Taylor Lautner

Mavis Beyotch: I wonder what terrible accident happened on the way that caused the sleeve to fall off.  Maybe that werewolf got a bit peckish.  But I'm happy she hooked up with those nice gentlemen from the 50s skiffle band.

Kate's Evil Twin: Oh hallo boys.  Brava Kristen, brava!  You see, Kristen here is following all of the Kate Bosworth fashion rules.  When in doubt about your questionably fashionable cotton ball dress, accessorize with a young hot, presumably gay actor.  Or two.  Always keep a spare penis on hand, I always say. And a breath mint.  Three cheers for Kristen!

Gossip Boy: Eenie, meanie, miney mo, which of these people looks like a big ole mo?  That's right, I said it.

 Gwyneth Paltrow

Mavis Beyotch: I am sure when this dress is finished it will be lovely.  What?  It is?  I am so embarrassed.

Kate's Evil Twin: Dear Gwyneth, What's going on?  I haven't seen you in ages!!!  I miss our girl time at the spa; colonics, detoxes, botoxes, talking about boys and all those things that Chris does that drive you crazy.  I kept a list you know, like good friends do.  I see you're still living out of a suitcase, fashioning dresses from tablecloths.  Please call if you want to borrow a dress that wasn't sewn by child laborers named Apple.  Love you miss you! Kate's Evil Twin.

Victoria Beckham

Mavis Beyotch: Channeling the 90s.  When the Spice Girls mattered, even ever so slightly.  And when she last ate something other than paper towels.

Kate's Evil Twin: I'm too scared to criticize this outfit.  Have you heard what fembots from outerspace can do to a 98 lb waif like myself??  

Gossip Boy: Start saving for that hip replacement you are going to need.

 Jessica Alba

Mavis Beyotch: This is what happens when bad clothes happen to beautiful people.  You forget that they're beautiful and just concentrate on the ugly.

Kate's Evil Twin:The first student in Victoria Beckham's Fembot from Outerspace School for Desperately Edgy Actresses.  First lesson.  Master the bitchface, Jessica, or people will keep laughing at your shoes.  And your hair.

Khloe Kardashian

Mavis Beyotch: I think it's very sweet of her mother to not have ever told her she was the chubby, unattractive sister.  However, it's now time for someone to do that.

Kate's Evil Twin: As anyone who follows me on Twitter (@kateseviltwin) knows, I am a bevy of incredibly astute fashion advice.  One of the questions I get asked over and over again is, "how should a fat girl dress?"  (I'm currently in the process of eliminating all fat followers, but never mind).  Khloe, please follow me on twitter because you are breaking ALL THE RULES. 1. Wear black. 2. Don't show skin (ew.) 3. Spanx are more than your sister's favorite bedroom activity. See you on twitter!

Check It Out

Someone should tell her that this has NOTHING to do with her!


You kiss Dustin Hoffman and now you think you are God or something?

Is it because you couldn't be cast as Bella due to over sluttiness?


Wow, does your penis feel bigger now?

Stop fallin, stop fallin I don't wanna judge anymore

Mini Blinds

1- This young teenage star held out sex from her boyfriend the entire time they dated, even though he oozes young sex appeal.  She had heard stories of him with his ex, but she was adamant on not sleeping together.  After a little bit longer, he finally convinced her that oral was "not having sex." Then next thing you know he walks in on her "not having sex" with his best friend.  Not Joe Jonas

2-  Which married couple spent the past two evenings in separate NYC hotel rooms?  She likes heroin and he likes cocaine and once a month they go on binges.  Separate rooms so that he can have his boy guests come in to help work off the stamina.  She gets wasted and watches movies from when she was an A-List name. Not Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner

3- This tot has no idea that their parents are not really their parents.  Turns out that the star dad doesn't like sex at all but hates the gay rumors.  So he took a famous wife and stayed out of view while she was "pregnant."  Not Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes

Dear Gossip Boy

Dear Gossip Boy,

I enjoy your blog in general but I have a question for you. Why is there such a double standard in general when it comes to male bisexuality as opposed to female bisexuality. Anna Paquin, Angelina Jolie and others have talked pretty openly about being bisexual to the point that it has gotten boring, but whenever there is talk of a man who has had sex with other men there is an automatic assumption that he is gay and whatever hetero relationships he has are beards. Although there are some obvious cases where stars are 100% homosexual and bearding themselves isn't their room for the assumptions of such things as swingers, bisexuality, open marraige in Hollywood which after all is supposed to be a community of artists ( usually con-artists I admit it) . 

Sincerely

Lala

You make me wanna Lala,

I think overall that the talk of who is gay and who isn't has become boring.  Celebrities coming out have increased with the new generation of liberal stars, though the women get an easier pass.  Female bisexuality is a lot more forgiving in the eyes of people.  Mainly because it's every straight mans dream and in case you haven't noticed, there are more girl on girl scenes than guy on guy.  Women don't lose credit it seems whereas men seem to think that they lose their masculinity.  I am not ashamed of being gay, but I am ashamed of the stereotype that people have of gays and it leads me to not want to be associated with that stereotype.  

GB - 

We're worried about you. You haven't posted in 6 days. If you are trapped under a major appliance or need bail money, please let us know, and we'll send help. Love, BG

Blind Gossip,

Your letter made me smile so I thought I would share it. Hope you don't mind, but you have been added to the phone tree for when I need bail money....again. 

 

Dear Gossip Boy, 

Just wanna say I adore you and I visit your site about 18 times a day.
Now something I've always been curious about. How does the professional process of 'having a beard/fauxmance' work? Is there a sit-down with contracts, or when the couple is just doing it for press - do they ever actually fool around in real life? Could you explain this to me. 

Love and kisses to you and my fav fashion spittalker MB, 

Emma 

Emma,

It's actually quite formal and PR handles most of it.  And yes they do sometimes fool around in real life, but usually with the help of loneliness and a bottle of Jack.  I believe I wrote something on the levels of bearding.

Dear GB

Old news, BUT...is there any chance that Macbeth just genuinely wants Romeo back, rather than "riding the wave?"  I always hope that there's SOMEONE who isn't just a fame hungry douche in that place.  Which leads me to my next question...do you know  of anyone, anyone at all in HW, who is as nice as they claim to be?  No pretending, no spin, just a genuinely nice person who does what they do because they enjoy it?
Anyway, keep up the good work!

<3 Antinous

Antinous,

Macbeth and Romeo have a long history of tortured love.  These two are soul mates in my opinion, but the timing isn't always right.  As for real people on HW, there are a couple who are genuine, but sadly one of them just retired.

Hi GB,

If Rainbow Dark is who I think he is, then I guess Sunshine decided to break up with him this week (and probably keep hooking up with her foreign lover, am I right?). Hopefully you will answer this in "Dear GB".

Thanks, Nini

Nini,

Nini,

Sunshine and RD have come to an agreement, but if you think it had to do with Sunshine, you are wrong.  I hear the RD has been chasing a friend of ours with the excuse that he realizes that he loves him.  I think Sunshine got kicked out on her ass.  And who said they broke up this week? 

GB,
Can you shed any light on the reason Jared has become such a taboo topic on Ted's site? Is he simply too boring when Danneel gives him plenty of amo about her and Jensen? The other day it seemed like he was suggesting he knew something but just wouldn't say, and he never used to have any problem gossiping about him. I'm starting to get whiplash from all of the times he has changed his tune! Or is he just messing with us? Seems to be what he does best...
BC

BC,

Since Jared and Gen married, Jared has been way below the radar while his bestie Jensen and Danneel have been anything but.  The ones who love the attention are getting it while the others are off hiding in seclusion.  Kinda like people who make you look in one direction while the action is going on in the other....get it?

Dear GossipBoy,

Did you release the major scoop you hinted at on twitter last week? Was it the reveal of Alex O'Laughlin's blind in last week's Dear GossipBoy? Love your site, thanks for everything you do for us fans!

Tory

Tory,

The major scoop wasn't released because the facts were nearly impossible to check, but it is a humdinger.  The reveal was my way of making it up to ya.

Dear GB,

Please, Please Please tell me about Reese and Jake's break-up! Is it true that he was cheating on her the whole time and she caught him?

Lori Anne

Lori,

Remember the Survivor controversy when one of the contestants was thought to be hooking up with another contestant but he was just a cover for her hooking up with the camera man that followed them?  And our sweet, sexy Jake is anything but the cheater.

Gossip Boy,

We have missed you and hope that all is well.  I dunno if there will be a dear gb but I had to ask what you thought about Austin Nichols and Sophia Bush joining Twitter to raise money and/or get attention.  Don't they seem a little bit comical in their attempts to be big names?

Scottie

Scottie,

I sure that whoever told them to join Twitter had convinced them that they would have fun with it.  But you can promise that these two are all about the attention these days. Their photos ops are brilliantly staged and edited. With bffs like Danneel Harris and Jake Gyllenhaal, can you blame them?  Wonder how much longer until they convince Jakey to start tweeting?

Amanda Bynes Retires

Amanda Bynes has shocked a lot of fans and most of Hollywood by announcing that she is retiring from acting at the ripe age of 24.  Though people think that she is too young to retire, you must remember that the young girl has been in the business for 13 years.

Amanda is a rare find in HW, something that is too overlooked.  She is an amazingly talented young actress with her head on her shoulders and the ability to be sexy and hilarious at the same time.  She and actress Anna Faris seem to have a lot in common, except that Amanda is unable to find her break-out role.

Bynes admits that she is quitting because acting isn't a fun business, and she ain't lying.  However, life isn't always fun, Mandy.  We are just lucky that as actors we make enough money to just walk away from the business and live a normal life. 

I wish you all the best Amanda and I really hope you aren't serving me my salad in a couple of years.

Eddie Cibrian Gets Dumped

In a karmic move, CSI: Miami has fired Eddie Cibrian and replaced him with the guy he replaced, Adam Rodriguez.

It appears that CBS has decided not to pick up Cibrian's contract citing a desire to focus on the original core team. Cibrian's character, Jesse Cardoza, came on the scene to fill in when "core" team member, Eric Delko (Adam Rodriguez) left the show. However, after spotty appearance on the show this season, Delko lovers can rejoice in the fact that he will be back full time next season.

Im a a huge fan of Adam Rodriguez and was sad when he left Miami for NYC and Ugly Betty.  But with Ugly Betty getting it's pink slip, Adam was able to return to CSI.  What I find ironic is that Rodriguez joined Ugly Betty as Hilda's love interest.  It was a void that was left by her previous on-screen love, Eddie Cibrian.
  
Maybe Eddie can go sing back-up for LeAnn, or do what he was doing before CSI.  What was that again? Oh yea, being a two faced, cheating, lying skank.  I'm sure he can easily slip back into that role.

And LeAnn, if you think for a minute that some younger woman won't come along in a couple of years and scoop him away from you, you are more delusional than I thought. 

Fash Bash

Gossip Boy's Fashion Police is back. We have a new addition to the team and it just happens to be Kate Bosworth's Evil Twin. This woman is nothing like Kate, she actually swallows her food. But she is much more evil than Kate which makes us love her even more. She joins Mavis Beyotch as they tear apart celebs for their sad choice in clothing.

Cate Blanchett

Mavis Beyotch: I love Cate Blancett.  However, I’m not sure why she let Tilda Swinton style her for the evening.  Also, dearest, please eat a cookie.  Or two.

Kate's Evil Twin: So my ex-boyfriend, Orlando, used to make me watch this movie about Queen Elizabeth saying Cate Blanchett was all "talented" and "mindblowing" and "Oscar- worthy" but  I didn't see what was so great about it.  They never even showed Princess Diana.  I don't get why Cate can wear this and be "fierce" and "provocative" but if I, the evil twin of Kate Bosworth, showed up in an outfit made up of a deflated mylar balloon and an emergency blanket, all I would hear is, "trashy whore," "recycle, much?" and "eat a sandwich, Kate!"  Life is so unfair!

Gossip Boy: Cate seems to have not let go of the fact she wasn't chosen to play Tin Man in the Wizard Of Oz remake.

Catherine Zeta Jones

Mavis Beyotch: In support of the marine life in the Gulf of Mexico, CZJ drapes a quite nice powder blue gown with a fishnet.  I’m not sure how it helps the oil soaked fish, but…power to you, Cath!

Gossip Boy: I think that this dress is gorgeous!  Now if only she could get her face to move as freely.

 Lea Michele

Mavis Beyotch: How can you see with all that hair in your face?  (Sorry, am channeling my own dear mama with that).  Perhaps that’s the excuse Lea has for not remembering to put on a dress.

Kate's Evil Twin: 

Distractingly awful hair?  Check.
Smug smirk? Check.
Dirty beige color that drains all life from the wearer and anyone within 10 feet?  Check.
A dress that tries to be sexy but just ends up looking cheap and sort of disturbingly slutty?  Check.

Um, Lea?  YOU HAVE STOLEN KATE BOSWORTH'S LOOK.  Give it back, bitch.

Gossip Boy: Okay Lea, we get it.  You think your sexy. But no matter how much bra you flaunt, he is still gonna be gay at the end of the day.

 Mavis Beyotch: Kristen Chenoweth looks like a very perky Stepford Wife wearing a very sparkly bath towel.  In Vegas.  In the 1960s.

Gossip Boy: Um....sorry I got distracted by all of the sparkles.  

 Gwyneth Paltrow

Mavis Beyotch: I also pair my Chanel jacket with my Gap shorts.  When I’ve had a bit too much of the sherry.

Kate's Evil Twin: Dear Chris: Hey, how are you?  I am fine.  It's been a while.  I've been thinking about you. ;-) I saw a picture of Gwyneth and I guess you finally kicked her out because she looked like she had to leave in a hurry and toss whatever was clean into a surprisingly small suitcase and then wear it all at once, even if she looked like Perimenopausal Coco Chanel. Call me, EvilKate.

Gossip Boy: The rich bitch equivalent to bumming it in daisy dukes.

Michelle Williams 

Mavis Beyotch: Personally, I blame the latest vampire craze for the influx of Morticia Addams dresses.  That, or Bebe Neuwirth is a fashion power player and I’m not aware of it.

Kate's Evil Twin: Oh Halle Berry, get your sexy model boy toy back because apparently he took your hotness with him when he moved out.

Gossip Boy: It's like cat woman mixed with Barney and a dash of Rihanna's hair.

 Jessica Alba

Mavis Beyotch: If anyone needed a poster child for reasons why NOT to have children, Jessica’s post motherhood wardrobe gives her an edge.

Gossip Boy: Does she know we can actually see her?

Katie Holmes

Mavis Beyotch: Mrs. Cruise has obviously turned to doughnuts to assuage her life in Scientology prison.  Either that, or the dress shrunk in the wash.

Gossip Boy: How embarrassing to accidentally put on your smaller husband's dress instead of your own!  That's the downfall of sharing the same taste as Tom.