Fash Bash

Gossip Boy's Fashion Police is back. We have a new addition to the team and it just happens to be Kate Bosworth's Evil Twin. This woman is nothing like Kate, she actually swallows her food. But she is much more evil than Kate which makes us love her even more. She joins Mavis Beyotch as they tear apart celebs for their sad choice in clothing.

Cate Blanchett

Mavis Beyotch: I love Cate Blancett.  However, I’m not sure why she let Tilda Swinton style her for the evening.  Also, dearest, please eat a cookie.  Or two.

Kate's Evil Twin: So my ex-boyfriend, Orlando, used to make me watch this movie about Queen Elizabeth saying Cate Blanchett was all "talented" and "mindblowing" and "Oscar- worthy" but  I didn't see what was so great about it.  They never even showed Princess Diana.  I don't get why Cate can wear this and be "fierce" and "provocative" but if I, the evil twin of Kate Bosworth, showed up in an outfit made up of a deflated mylar balloon and an emergency blanket, all I would hear is, "trashy whore," "recycle, much?" and "eat a sandwich, Kate!"  Life is so unfair!

Gossip Boy: Cate seems to have not let go of the fact she wasn't chosen to play Tin Man in the Wizard Of Oz remake.

Catherine Zeta Jones

Mavis Beyotch: In support of the marine life in the Gulf of Mexico, CZJ drapes a quite nice powder blue gown with a fishnet.  I’m not sure how it helps the oil soaked fish, but…power to you, Cath!

Gossip Boy: I think that this dress is gorgeous!  Now if only she could get her face to move as freely.

 Lea Michele

Mavis Beyotch: How can you see with all that hair in your face?  (Sorry, am channeling my own dear mama with that).  Perhaps that’s the excuse Lea has for not remembering to put on a dress.

Kate's Evil Twin: 

Distractingly awful hair?  Check.
Smug smirk? Check.
Dirty beige color that drains all life from the wearer and anyone within 10 feet?  Check.
A dress that tries to be sexy but just ends up looking cheap and sort of disturbingly slutty?  Check.

Um, Lea?  YOU HAVE STOLEN KATE BOSWORTH'S LOOK.  Give it back, bitch.

Gossip Boy: Okay Lea, we get it.  You think your sexy. But no matter how much bra you flaunt, he is still gonna be gay at the end of the day.

 Mavis Beyotch: Kristen Chenoweth looks like a very perky Stepford Wife wearing a very sparkly bath towel.  In Vegas.  In the 1960s.

Gossip Boy: Um....sorry I got distracted by all of the sparkles.  

 Gwyneth Paltrow

Mavis Beyotch: I also pair my Chanel jacket with my Gap shorts.  When I’ve had a bit too much of the sherry.

Kate's Evil Twin: Dear Chris: Hey, how are you?  I am fine.  It's been a while.  I've been thinking about you. ;-) I saw a picture of Gwyneth and I guess you finally kicked her out because she looked like she had to leave in a hurry and toss whatever was clean into a surprisingly small suitcase and then wear it all at once, even if she looked like Perimenopausal Coco Chanel. Call me, EvilKate.

Gossip Boy: The rich bitch equivalent to bumming it in daisy dukes.

Michelle Williams 

Mavis Beyotch: Personally, I blame the latest vampire craze for the influx of Morticia Addams dresses.  That, or Bebe Neuwirth is a fashion power player and I’m not aware of it.

Kate's Evil Twin: Oh Halle Berry, get your sexy model boy toy back because apparently he took your hotness with him when he moved out.

Gossip Boy: It's like cat woman mixed with Barney and a dash of Rihanna's hair.

 Jessica Alba

Mavis Beyotch: If anyone needed a poster child for reasons why NOT to have children, Jessica’s post motherhood wardrobe gives her an edge.

Gossip Boy: Does she know we can actually see her?

Katie Holmes

Mavis Beyotch: Mrs. Cruise has obviously turned to doughnuts to assuage her life in Scientology prison.  Either that, or the dress shrunk in the wash.

Gossip Boy: How embarrassing to accidentally put on your smaller husband's dress instead of your own!  That's the downfall of sharing the same taste as Tom.

Gossip Boy's Fash Bash

 Clay Aiken

Mavis Beyotch: When did Clay Aiken become a middle aged lesbian?  Sorry, that was probably offensive - to middle aged lesbians.
Zipper Pull: It would seem that Jude has started a trend of flesh colored shoes on pasty men. We all hate to travel, but, come on, you were a famous singer for like 20 minutes, you have a duty to NOT dress like a lesbian nun in public.
Fat Ninja: Overnight bag: check. Comfy shoes for swollen feet: Check. Laptop for solitaire while we wait: check. Ok ma'am, Let's go have this baby!
Gossip Boy: No, sweetie....just....no.

Jenny Wade

 Mavis Beyotch: No puffed sleeves after puberty… unless it’s part of the beer garden’s costume.
Zipper Pull and Fat Ninja were unable to comment on this dress.  Apparently they both got the sudden craving for some Paulie Girl and haven't been seen since.

Mia Michaels

Mavis Beyotch: Trying to channel Flashdance will not bring back the 80s, nor will it give you Jennifer Beals body, my dear

Zipper Pull: I have been waiting a long time to be able to say a few “words” about you. * Yawn * You actually look kind of Ok. Dammit. If you get the cute boys topless a lot on SYTYCD this season, I will back off.

Fat Ninja: OMG! How the hell is Mia Michaels supposed to choreograph this season's SYTYCD when BOTH her ankles are broken? Too much Fat Ninja training?

The Gossip Boy: Does she have a watermelon up there?

Sophia Bush And Austin Nichols

Mavis Beyotch:  Did someone need to outline his pocket so he could find it?  And, Sophia darling, tie-dye went out with the Grateful Dead.  And I’d be grateful if you put that dress out of its misery.

Zipper Pull: Two beards...One pose...Lackluster choices.

Fat Ninja: This whole scene is a nightmare. Undone hair, beards, and evidently, dishevelled is the new black. Fat Ninja needs a stiff one after this mess. Anyone with me?... Austin? ...... Austin? 

Gossip Boy: I am sorry but are we supposed to believe that maybe you pulled a Angelina and Billy Bob and screwed in the limo before arriving?  Slobs.

Vanessa Hudgens

Mavis Beyotch: Why do I always think of a kewpie doll whenever I see this girl?  One who is about 10 minutes away from doing porn.  Maybe because her dress looks like a towel, that will conveniently drop when the pizza delivery guy shows up.  Bow chica bow wow.

Zipper Pull: Well to her credit, her legs are crossed 

Gossip Boy: For once

Fat Ninja: When walking the red carpet for LG night of Fashion, shouldn't a girl go from shower to wardrobe? Not shower straight to event still with a wet head and wrapped in a towel? 

Eva Longoria and Victoria Beckham

Mavis Beyotch:These two are so tragic in every possible way that it just makes me want to weep.  Silently. Into a very large martini.  With a well muscled young gentleman gently wiping away the tears.  I need a moment now.

Zipper Pull: Becks has had so much botox, she is literally tuning into a needle. Cute little dress though, she owns it. Eva on the other hand looks like she GOT owned. By a band of pissed off stylists and make-up artists. Looks like Vick introduced her to Sharon Needles.

Fat Ninja: First of all, Kim Kardashian lost weight AND height. How the hell is she holding up drunk Vicki B who is now so thin her napkin dress has had to be gathered and stapled to her abdomen and vagina? Fat Ninja say NO!

 Sarah Jessica Parker

Mavis Beyotch: Will someone remind me why people think this woman has taste and/or style?  I’ve seen more attractive straitjackets

Zipper Pull: So, I know this a couture piece, I know it took 100's of hours to make, I know you have choices as well. But, really, this 80's prom throwback is the best you could do? Did you lose a bet with Rachel Zoe???

Fat Ninja: When starvation diets just don't shed all those unsightly pounds, get the bodice of your dress designed to look like your skeleton and voila - I'm a SKINNY BITCH!

Gossip Boy: For one, you cannot wear a dress like that when one has to wonder if that is your bra or a belt.  Are they doing a Beetlejuice remake?

 Jessica Simpson

Mavis Beyotch: I have two questions:  where did her breasts go and do those flaps serve any purpose at all?  It takes a fine mind to figure the thing to add to a curvy body is useless bits of fabric.

Zipper Pull: Okay a 3peat offender, so I will give 3 responses, pick your favorite. A)Judy Jetson called, she wants her dress back B)Exactly how uncomfortable are you poor boobies?? The poor things look like they are in a vice. C)At least your NOT wearing Lea Michelle on your shoulder this time.

Fat Ninja: After trying her hand at every music genre on earth over the past decade, JSimp is going to see if she can top the Outer Space Charts in the future. LG is sponsoring the red carpet walk to her Time Machine Rocket Ship. Bon Voyage!!

Gossip Boy: She is giving up Hollywood to be a stewardess. I want my peanuts, Bitch.

 

Fash Bash Attack Cannes

Mavis Beyotch, Fat Ninja, and ZipperPull are attacking Cannes and the women who think they look good.  And one actress is named the first ever Gossip Boy Worst Dressed, and she totally deserved it.

 Salma Hayek

Mavis Beyotch: This is how a lady in red should look.  Sexy, put together, va va to the voom!
ZipperPull: This Gucci Couture Red stunnah is pretty much much flawless... But, I miss her ginormous mommy sweater puppies
Fat Ninja: Fat Ninja doesn't like to comment on perfection. It's not as much fun.

Eva Longoria

 Mavis Beyotch: Love the dress, but am not sure why Eva is posing as if trained by failed Miss America organizers.
 Fat Ninja: She's going down for 3 homicides. The mirror ball someone murdered to make her gown and her two puppies she's suffocating in the name of fashion.

Mavis Beyotch: Two wedding cakes meet quinceanera dresses.  I haven't seen so much lace since grandma had curtains!
ZipperPull: Ummm, sweetheart, did anyone not tell you that this is a FILM festival???  and, that its not polite to stare.
Fat Ninja: Many people do not know that the name Aishwarya is Swahili for "Beautiful Amazonian waterfall with a large brown hill at the top"

 Naomi Campbell

Mavis Beyotch: This is how a Naomi can get it wrong.  I think she skinned the snake that slithered around the Croisette earlier, put the knife in her teeth, and pressed the still sticky carcass against her cold skin.  

ZipperPull: DUCK!!!! Wearing the latest from MyRelevanceIsWaning  Fall 2010 collection, Naomi brings it 80's style... bloated and coked up with an ugly ass dress on.

Fat Ninja: Are you REALLY gonna wear a skin-tight gown in which you can barely walk when your M.O. is to punch and run? Has Ninja training taught you nothing, Naomi?

Cate Blanchett

Mavis Beyotch: Alexander McQueen.  Cate Blanchett.  Gorgeousness ensues.

ZipperPull: An Alexander McQueen tribute dress, handpicked by the Master.  Cate can pull of OTT effortlessly.

Fat Ninja: Fat Ninja actually loves this gown. I have looked and looked. The more I look, the more I like. Fashion 1, Fat Ninja, O

 Kate Beckinsale

Mavis Beyotch: If you tell me it's her new costume for Underworld 4: Revenge of the Costume Department I'll feel better

ZipperPull: I kind of expect her to pull a pistol from her thigh, shoot a bunch of Pap's. Le Femme Nikita... now with botox

 Fat Ninja: I'm hoping she's dressed for the role of the female villain in a possible Superman: The Movie remake

 Jennifer Lopez and Naomi Campbell

Mavis Beyotch: If I hadn't gone blind staring at these two birds, I would probably be able to describe it better...or not....

Fat Ninja:  Both of their outfits were completely covered in ruffles and feathers before they threw down. There's two bitches even Fat Ninja isn't gonna tangle with.

 Lea Michele

 Zipper Pull:

F is for F'd up Make-up

A is for Anything but that hair

I is for Is that whole dress made from JSimp's shoulder pet

L is for Leave the attitude at home

All together it reads FAIL. Sorry Lea but talent does NOT excuse this ridiculous look.

Mavis Beyotch: Oh, lordy.  Maybe it's the wine, but my eyes are spinning.  Does Pebbles still live?? Fred & Wilma, WHAT is your daughter wearing??

Gossip Boy Fash Bash

The trio is at it again, ripping Hollywood's finest apart with their feeble attempts of being fashionable.  Hope you aren't drinking anything while you read this because there is a good chance it may come out your nose.  And just for fun I decided to throw my two cents in.

 Fat Ninja









ZipperPull










Mavis Beyotch

 

 Rihanna

Fat Ninja- After joining the Woman's Lacrosse team, Rhianna realized costume changes were gonna be tight between show & game. She asked her designer to create a dual purpose outfit.

ZipperPull- This is a stage costume and I think it's wonderful.  She takes risks, not everyone can wear Kanyes broken sunglasses and $3.89 worth of tape and make it look good.

Mavis Beyotch- Stephen Hawking was right.  The aliens do NOT come in peace!

Gossip Boy- She wanted to create some cool tan lines so on bored days at the beach, they can play checkers.

 Jessica Simpson

Fat Ninja- When you have to work that hard to pop a collarbone out, a one shoulder dress is the wrong choice. And when people are ragging on your weight, wearing a dress made from a mixture of my mother-in-law's sun room wicker love seat fabric & bubble wrap isn't helping your cause.

ZipperPull- This girl needs to replace everyone of her gays STAT.  Hideous pattern, ill fit, weird ass eye make-up and the pile of recycling on her shoulder all add up to a gigantic mess in a dress.  Think SIMPLE Jessica, it can't be much of a stretch for you.

Mavis Beyotch- First rule mother teaches: curvy girls do not need to add bustles, even on the shoulders.

Gossip Boy- Why is Jessica Simpson becoming the place bad fabric goes to die?

 Lady Gaga

Fat Ninja- Fat Ninja's Doppelganger. No, really! I almost mistook her for myself as I wore that identical outfit to Whole Foods just last week.

Gossip Boy- Haven't we all had those Mondays when we get to the office and realize why we had that nagging feeling that we forgot something?

 Sophia Bush

Fat Ninja- Just daring you to tickle her ivories.

Mavis Beyotch- Sophia, I’m not sure wearing a dress of piano keys is going to make the Glee guys cast you for next season.

Gossip Boy- Sophia learned that Austin liked playing the piano and thought she could fool the poor boy into touching her girlie parts.

 Kim Kardashian

Fat Ninja- Inside the bag being carried off to the right, are the tools that will eventually remove the rivets holding Kim's jeans onto her.

Mavis Beyotch- How does she not topple over like a child's Barbie dolls?

 Catherine Zeta Jones

Fat Ninja- This is what blowing ass with style looks like. Yes, Fat Ninja knows a fart stance when Fat Ninja sees one.

Mavis Beyotch- Poor child, she looked better naked in Allure.

Gossip Boy- Someone should tell her that they serve food inside.  Smuggling a watermelon in between her thighs was unnecessary.

Fat Ninja- Trying to distract the thing on the top with the things on the bottom. Not working. Fat Ninja's advice: Go with Black. For everything.

Mavis Beyotch- The SECOND rule mother teaches:  black suit, black shoes.  Did no one listen to their mothers?

ZipperPull- It would be nice to see a man in this column.  Boring, boring, boring.  I will assume the shoes are to distract us from the hair plugs.

Gossip Boy-  All I can say is, seriously?

ZipperPull- A very sweet little dress, she pulls it off marvelously.  JSimp... take note.

Mavis Beyotch- Mavis decrees:  No more plants growing out of the dresses!

Gossip Boy- Sorry, but this dress make it look like her boobs hit her waist. Is it just me or did she wrap a shower curtain around her and slap a flower on her shoulder?

ZipperPull- Her hip bones are so sharp, they sliced a hole clean through the dress.  Can a girl live on d*ck alone??  Perhaps, if she ate her words she would fill out a bit more.

Gossip Boy- I don't know if Alexander banged her crooked or she is trying to look like she has curves.  Regardless, such energetic posing like that has hip replacement written all over it.  P.S I DO NOT need to see your itty bitty tittie committee memberships.

Meet The Gossip Boy Fashion Police

Mavis Beyotch

Mavis is a stubborn woman who speaks her mind and is not afraid to let you know that

you look like trash, Darling. She comes from class and it oozes from her pores. Don't 

cross her thinking she is a sweet old lady, 

she will crush you and still make it

to the early bird dinner
 on time.

   

Fat Ninja

Fat Ninja may not look like someone that has their ear to the fashion world,

but when she isn't off delivering ninja-ness, you can

find Fat Ninja with the latest copies of Vogue and and drinking a Cosmo.  Don't let

Fat Ninja's looks deceive, her words are as sharp as her
sword

ZipperPull
Zipper Pull is our token gay Fashionista.  Not only does he know what is in, what

was last year, and what will be popular tomorrow, he knows when there is 

a fashion fail and won't hesitate to tell you.  With his sexy
southern drawl, his words may seem sweet,
but Zipper Pull won't think twice
before telling you that you look like shit.

Gossip Boy's Fashion Police

Gossip Boy's Fashion Police have been assembled and no celebrity is safe from these snarky cops.  Everyone welcome Mavis Beyotch, ZipperPull, and Fat Ninja to the Gossip Boy site and prepare to laugh your ass off as they struggle though the best and worst dressed in town.

 Betty White

Mavis Beyotch: Betty White should teach a class on how to look elegant and appropriate to starlets everywhere.  Kristen Stewart, we’ll front you the tuition

ZipperPull: You dress like my Grammy and I love it. PERMA PASS!

Fat Ninja: She looks impeccable. Then again, she could have worn an onion sack and marshmallow earrings & I'd call it genius. You don't mess with Betty White.

Donatella Versace

Mavis Beyotch: Did your parents ever try to convince you the boogie man didn’t exist?  They were wrong.  Here she is.

ZipperPull: Aw honey..  when did Karl Lagerfeld start doing drag? Keep making dresses for other people though

Fat Ninja: Who invited Janice to this shindig?

 Giuliana Rancic

Mavis Beyotch: I think there’s something growing on your dress!  Weed off works wonders

ZipperPull:  I said it before, a dark horse..this time in a pink dress (which btw is very hard to fit a horse for)

Fat Ninja: I hope those flower appliques are pockets holding cheese & crackers. Sister's bones are about to break through.

 Lea Michele

Mavis Beyotch: I love this dress.  I want to have babies with this dress.  She looks incredible.

ZipperPull: Too monotone, color is your friend, and gold satin is not (u look more preggo than Quinn Fabray)

Vera Farmiga

Mavis Beyotch: Congrats on the new baby.  Maybe it was hormones that made you pick out this “dress.”  Part Western dance hall, a little Gone with the Wind, a lot fug.

ZipperPull: Okay, are you preggo too? Cause if you are you get A pass. Sophie Theallet for Gap, "you too can look like a Barvarian milkmaid going the dance in the town square"

Fat Ninja: Old Time Photos must have been running late, she didn't have time to change into her Met Gala dress.

 Nicole Richie

Mavis Beyotch: I didn’t know they were remaking Beetlejuice.

ZipperPull: Gloria Swanson called and she wants her dress back (I SECRETLY THINK SHE LOOKS DELISH)

 Taylor Swift

Fat Ninja:AKA Taylor Swivel. When Striking that Perfect Pose consists of shoulders facing east, knees facing west.

ZipperPull: Snough with the pretty sweetie we get it! Show some freakin' edge! I suggest trying vintage Gautier or really vintage Courrege.

Rachael Ray and John Cusimano

Mavis Beyotch: John Cusimano: There is an art to black on black.  This isn’t art

ZipperPull: Rachel looks fine for TV cook I guess (and I mean a Tranny) your voice elicts an anger response from me

 Jessica Szohr

ZipperPull: In Atelier Versace- Looks pretty damn amazing, insanely beautiful dress, thing is.. she F'd 3 people to get the dress, 4 to get the ticket, another 2 at the door, gave the driver a handy J, and made out with the cocktail waitress.  and none of them had even asked.....