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Friday, March 12, 2010

Coming Out The Closet

Have you ever really though about they way we view sexuality? Why is it more socially accepted to see girl on girl than it is to see two guys holding hands or kissing.  Katy Perry kissed a girl, and she liked it.  But if Bon Jovi or Justin Beiber sang a song about kissing a guy and liking it?  Can you imagine the storm it would cause?  And after Katy's song became a hit, and then faded, no one ever questioned her sexuality.  There are no rumors that she is a lesbian or that Russell Brand, her fiance, is in fact her beard.  Gay rumors follow so many male celebrities around and they usually come from one tiny thing that was witnessed that can be construed as gay.

Don't misquote me, there are gay men in Hollywood.  But you have to look at the whole picture to realize why exactly they are staying in the closet.  Not only are they told not to by management or agents, but they know the way some fans will look at them.  Fact is, two women together are more appealing.  I couldn't begin to tell you why, for obvious reasons.  That is what tends to lead men into agreeing to be seen with female celebrities.

Some gay males are actually so scared to admit they are gay, they convince themselves they are bisexual.  It gives them the chance to live out their gay side, but also hold onto the straight side of them.  And men associate straight with being masculine.  Actually, most of America does. People have an image of what they think is a gay man.  They expect us to come sashaying into the room on a rainbow with sparkles coming out of our mouths as we speak.  And who wants to put themselves into that mold?  I sure as hell don't.  I have met guys who have claimed that they were straight and were homophobes.  When they met me and found out that I was gay, they were blown away.  They thought all gay guys were them same. It's that stereotype that leads guys to stay in the closet, or marry a woman who they are comfortable with and just find some action on the side.

The poor wives and girlfriends sometimes know, but for the most part they have no idea.  No guy is going to admit to his girlfriend that he is attracted to another man.  In Hollywood, for the most part, women know what they are getting themselves into.  When you are a celebrity, you become a product.  And to sell that product, you have to make it look as appealing as possible.  Putting a pretty girl on your arm is more attractive to people then putting two gay guys holding hands at on the red carpet.  And when the girls find out, they are usually crushed.  I can name two female celebs who found out their boyfriend was bi or gay and they lost it.  One has been in and out of rehab and the other is one hell of a hot mess.

In my own personal experience, I realized I was gay in elementary school.  I thought my gym teacher was hot and I knew something wasn't right.  I still met girls that gave me the heart pounding, and the butterflies and figured I was just confused.  In fact I had girlfriends for awhile until I realized I was lying to myself and to them.  I never admitted it to her until the very end.  I knew that the minute she found out, our relationship would be over.

And I loved the girl, but I wasn't in love with her.  I think that is what a lot of bisexual men or closeted gay men feel.  The woman becomes your safety blanket that keeps your masculinity.  The biggest fear of closeted gay men is damage to their ego.  Their are gay men who know that they are gay their entire life.  The ones that my dog knows is gay.  And there is nothing wrong with knowing who you are and being yourself.  Saying fuck you to everyone that cannot accept you.  They are used to the hate and have built an armor.  The closeted ones have secured themselves so much that if they think coming out would make them a joke.  The first gay slur or laugh they got, they would be back in the closet in the fetal position.  I am out to about everyone who knows me.  When I am in a group of people, some that I have just met, I see a straight guy looking at me or whispering, I wonder if they are making a gay comment.

I shouldn't wonder that. I guess it is my insecure side coming out.  I could be completely wrong about it, but when you are gay you are used to the comments, the whispers and the stares.  Being who I am, people obviously look at me.  There is always that little voice in my head that says, they know your gay and they are making fun of you for it.  Sometimes I get really angry about it.  I used to wonder why I was gay.  Although I am comfortable with myself and have learned to love who I am, the way we are viewed sometimes makes me want to be straight.  But it's not that easy.  Once I see a picture of Kellan Lutz or Ryan Reynolds, I know that there is no turning back.  I see a girl and I check her out still.  And I will be the first to say a girl is hot, or beautiful.  I do take notice to women, but seeing a woman take off her top does nothing like seeing Kellan Lutz jogging with his man business flopping back and forth.  When people say it's a choice, I want them to point out when I got the letter asking me if I wanted to be gay.

WE are the reason that gay men are scared to come out.  The reason that women find out after two kids and ten years of marriage that their husband is gay.  The reason we are forced to see fake couples all over the internet, and television.  Until we change the way gay men are looked at, then we are the problem.  Notice the female celebrities usually come out on their own.  Gay men are shoved out of the closet, usually by the fuck tard named Perez.

You want the lies to stop?  You want to make the world better so that if your son is gay, he can admit it and not be forced to live a lie?  Then change the way you think. We have to change they way gays are viewed.  We cannot expect Hollywood to do it for us.  Lord knows, they already control too much of what people do. Don't let the word gay be used as a synonym for bad or stupid.  If you want a revolution, start with yourself.  It's the only way things will ever change.


Anonymous said...

Totally agree. You made me cry because you are so truly right about it... It is so totally painful to live like a incomplete person because social rules tell us so

Lost_InChaos said...

I wouldn't focus only on HW. Honey I live in the bible belt and the number of christian radio stations whining, bitching, and complaining about the "Homosexual agenda" is astounding not to mention nauseating. And this goes on all day long everyday. Of course I have to laugh to myself when they bitch and complain about their rights and the so called homosexual agenda being forced on them....fucking bigots and hypocrites.
Anyways, great post. I wish you could come out to the world if it would make you happier. Everyone deserves to be who they are and happy for it.

godo said...

" I can name two female celebs who found out their boyfriend was bi or gay and they lost it. One has been in and out of rehab and the other is one hell of a hot mess." oh my. Please name. Or at list give a hint/link to another DVD at Amazon? ;)

It is a joy to look at those scarece pictures of celebs who are out. Their smiles warm my heart.

And basically...yes to every word in the last paragraph.

rog said...

I think the reason its acceptable for women to come out and not men is that women generally don't care or are just mildly interested in the thought of gay couples, men either don't care or are turned on by the thought of two women together.

However, men are turned off, disgusted or threatened by the thought of two men together, as if the reality of homosexuality somehow threatens their masculinity, especially if the men arent the ones your dog knows are gay. If some big name, macho movie star is gay, my best friend might be gay, or I might be gay and not realize it.

I'm not saying that there aren't any women who are turned off by gays either male or female, but I think this is overwhelmingly a male problem.

Anonymous said...

What an excellent post! I'm comfortable with who I am but I also feel fed up with the stereotypes.

I have to just quibble about one thing:

I agree that there are double standards at play here, and for the most part, gay men have a harder time than gay women. But generally, it's a huge problem for the both the sexes. I think men and women have DIFFERENT problems, but they both have them. I personally think genuinely bisexual people have a terribly crap time of it too.

Gay women have a problem whereby people (men in particular) are convinced that you can "turn" them. People think that women can change their sexuality at the drop of a hat, and that's pretty offensive.

Gay men, as you insinuated, struggle to affirm their masculinity. I guess this is because society equates masculinity with heterosexual male activities.

I'm glad that you mentioned the heterosexual women who suffer in all of this too. It makes me think about how women are being traded as commodities in HW. For all of our talk of strong/emancipated women in the 21st century actresses are still trotted out to be beautiful objects or to complete a male celebrity's image.

DJ Sammy Jo said...

Um, why not take your own advice? It's a lovely sentiment and a valid point(s), but it doesn't really mean shit when you say it behind a veil of heterosexuality. That's great all your friends know the truth but you're still perpetuating the idea that to be gay is to be inferior. Obviously you should live how you want to live but the luxury of your life right now is the result of a lot of radical activity by gay women and men (even some limp-wristed sissies). The level of acceptance we have as a community right now, while not complete, took decades of shouting and fighting and declaring ourselves "here and queer" while the world ignored a disease that was decimating our numbers at a rapid pace. I am not judging you I just wanted to point out that if you make the step to come out publicly you will be following in a long history of heroic activity that may seem tiny now but in time may prove to be hugely beneficial to generations to come. Sorry, brevity is not my forte. Carry on (and I love your site)...

Anonymous said...

Aweome commnets, but while reading the last paragraph, I wondered why you don't take your own advice.
If you are as famous as you say, wuuld n't your stepping up, and coming out be a monumental move in helping all those others do the same?
You are opening up about it which is great but is it enough?
Take your own advice, Own it or you will never truly be happy.

Cap said...

To the nonnies clamoring for GB to follow his own advice and come out, I say: easy for you to say!

Everyone is different and I don't think coming out is for everyone. In some cases, it really does cause more problems than it solves. For a gay man in HW to come out is basically to derail his career. You can talk about NPH all you want, but he is the exception, not the rule. And he will never star opposite Jen Aniston in a rom-com because America wouldn't pay to see him as a straight romantic lead. So for a gay man to come out ... that' basically going to be his last stand. I can understand why they don't.

That's why I said on another post that older, established actors (who have the money to be able to afford to never work again) should come out ... they can lay the ground work. That's when it will be more acceptable.

It's too bad it's not the same for men as it is for women. But I don't think it's fair for people who have nothing to lose to denigrate people who have everything to lose.

godo said...

To last two commentors: ha ha, nice advise to GB. I join in calling him out. ;) But I think he'll play coy and say something that a) coming out is a personal choice and it must be done when the person is ready b) GB is not big enough to create a stir. ;)

Anonymous said...

The trouble is, that until an A-lister does come out, nothing will change.

It's the same in sports. Until a sportsman at the height of his career comes out, nothing will change.

Political action is very important and changes laws. It helps on a practical level and it does help change some minds. But we live in the age where the single most influential thing is the media. The media changes minds and effects lives.

I like GB's sentiment that "we" need to change our minds. But the reality is that people don't spontaneously change their mind on such matters. However much you dislike HW, it could be the single most influential tool to change minds.

pomme said...

homophobia! homophobia! homophobia!

Anonymous said...

Isn't it funny that people congratulate heterosexual actors on playing a gay character so incredibly authentic? Yet, you can hardly see an openly gay actor play a heterosexual person. At least not in a movie. Look what happened to Rupert Everett. He resorts to playing the sassy gay friend of the female lead or an asexual person.
That's what makes it so hard for male gay actors to come out. They would never be able to play the action hero who rescues the girl he fell in love with or so many other popular Hollywood movie stereotypes which have blockbuster fame written all over them.

Also, straight men are scared of gay men because for those homophobic straight men their sexuality means having power over their sexual partner. They are the ones who penetrate therefore they are the ones with the power.
In gay relationships there is no such thing as a strict power balance. Everyone has an asshole and everyone has a dick so therefore everyone can be penetrated. This scares the shit out of those homophobic men.
It's all about power for them. And if they wouldn't have that power it would almost make them a woman which in their minds are pathetic, powerless human beings.
So, men not only fear gay men they also look down on them.
Btw, this clearly shows that homophobic men not only hate gays but also hate women.

joaqfer said...

Great post, I really agree with the part of coming to terms with your sexuality as you did throughout high school and after having gfs. I loved the "I loved the girl, but wasn't in love with her", it is so true, I had a similar experience, and I wish I had a chance to explain to her what was that all about. But anyways, I really hope that you, or others, come to terms with sexuality in HW, it would be a great step for all the community everywhere, since, as "Anonymous" mentions above, the media is very influential, so it would be a great step, seeing how the media seems to love the "smaller" names that have come out "recently" (NPH, Ellen,etc).

joaqfer said...

Great post, I really agree with the part of coming to terms with your sexuality as you did throughout high school and after having gfs. I loved the "I loved the girl, but wasn't in love with her", it is so true, I had a similar experience, and I wish I had a chance to explain to her what was that all about. But anyways, I really hope that you, or others, come to terms with sexuality in HW, it would be a great step for all the community everywhere, since, as "Anonymous" mentions above, the media is very influential, so it would be a great step, seeing how the media seems to love the "smaller" names that have come out "recently" (NPH, Ellen,etc).

Kathryn said...

I agree wholeheartedly with what you've said.

How can anyone demand that folks come out (in HW or anywhere else) if it's not a safe environment?

ummmmmmm, I'm gonna stop now.

Sam said...

People change their opinion in time and based on good perception. When more gay guys grow balls and learn to stand up for themselves, more people will see gay does not equal a one-eyed monster with a constant hard on, chasing after kids in the kindergarten.

You want change? BE that change. No one will spread red carpet and beg you to be you. Fight for yourself or swallow the consequences of not doing so. If you want people to change, show them your face, name and personality.

As long as there are lying, cheating, marrying for opposite sex partners and crushing their lives guys and girls, as long as the hatred and homophobia will last.

Because in this vicious circle gay guys and girls are actually proving those people right by doing all those wrong things. Sure you can say they are forced to hide who they are, but in 21st century? Let's not. It's not like you're in Saudi Arabia or likewise. They are the only ones for whom I believe closet is a matter of surviving. But again, if more people were out, they wouldn't have to, as it would have been widely accepted by now.

No one is forcing you to marry someone and make them miserable for never meeting an expectations they were never aware of (and could not meet physically anyway). No one makes you choose a career that puts you in the Matrix, instead of a job that won't require such public pressure. And if it does, why not being the one to start the change

As I already said, when people straighten up their priorities and a dignified life comes with higher priority than being in the limelight, or lying for the sake of some semblance of comfort blanket, then and only then will they have the respect and acknowledgement they seek. You have to give something in order to get something.

You can never make ALL people like you. There will always be jerks and idiots. Simple people won't cease to exist just because you have shown class. But one doesn't aim for them anyway. It's the quality people that matter.

Show some balls, and people will show respect. Hide, lie and cheat, and they will hate you. Simple as that. That's exactly why it seems to be so hard for people to do it. It's really that simple, they just don't have balls to do it. And even less to admit that's the reason for them not to.

All in all, people have choice, and they can never have it all. Fact of life.

Tania said...

Thought-provoking stuff, GB.

@nonny 11.32 - I know it's not a big Hollywood movie, but we do have at least one out gay man playing an action hero, and doing it convincingly and well.
I mean John Barrowman, in 'Doctor Who' and 'Torchwood'. And his career is going through the roof over here. You can barely turn on the TV without seeing him. (Watch out, USA - he's guesting in Desperate Housewives next, playing a straight villain!)

Anonymous said...

This is alli have to say, if your gay be gay, if your not and just sleeping with man just cause the sex feels better, than that is wrong in so many levels, be gay when you are and be stright when you are, If they are good people with good heart, then why treat then differently? They are them, we are we, and that is that! Thanks for the posting, its cool!

sueizzy said...

Wow.. all great points to a great post. Bravo, GB, for putting your experiences and your emotions out there for us. Those are my 2 cents.

tonilost said...

Why isnt Wentworth coming out, at this point it could only help his career.

Anonymous said...

I hope by saying people have to start with themselves that you're including HW stars in that category. They shouldn't get a pass just because of the kind of place HW is. It's a lot friendlier than half the places, industries, etc. in this country.

AsstGeek said...

It's really easy to tell others to come out when you don't have to bear the consequences, but it comes down to this: is it easier FOR YOU to live your life in the closet or to come out? You weigh up all the pros and cons, and make your choice from there. Every gay person might have a different answer.

The world doesn't change overnight, but it does change.

And there are definitely easier times to come out. If I was Taylor Lautner, I would stay barricaded in that closet until he knows whether he has a career or not. If I was Travolta, whose days of romantic leads are long behind him, I'd probably come out, if only to shake free of the crazy Scientologists.

GB, if your friends and family know and support who you are, you're way ahead of most people.

Oh, and we women have been trying to get men to change their views on women for thousands of years. Good luck to you getting them to change on gays!

April B said...

I wonder if the hot mess is Britney (Justin)??

Anyway, I don't have much of an opinion on this because no one can understand how another feels. That said, although I am infatuated with the gossip about who is gay in HW, it does seem bizarre that we even care....I mean, if you are straight, you aren't having a press conference to say "I have sex with women", so why should it be talked about when it's with men? Last I knew, it wasn't anyone's business and should be considered inappropriate to talk about sex to strangers, so ultimately, why should a man feel they need to even say anything about their bedroom behavior? I suppose we are all hypocrites, though, because the blind gossip and trying to figure out who's gay is what keeps us intrigued.

April B said...

I'd also like to add that I still watch movies with Jake G or Bradley C, knowing that they are more than likely gay, and I still fantasize about them! :) They are both masculine and can pull off romantic comedies or epic hero movies.

Anonymous said...

If a significant number of leading HW gay men came out at the same time, they would be very hard to replace. And I mean more than a dozen. And also: form a union. I am not a fan of unions, but a gay actor union would definitely serve its purpose against discrimination.

Love your posts, GB.

Canuck said...

You have to wonder if the people who think it's a choice ever ask themselves if they chose to be heterosexual?

I read once that there are something like 130 different animals that also engage in homosexual behaviour. I wonder if they think that dolphins are sitting down and deciding to be gay?

April B said...

great point, Canuck!

Melissa said...

I'm a woman and could care less who is gay. As far as NPH not being able to score a role as a romantic lead because he is gay I totally disagree, I think he plays by far one of the funniest most believable womanizers on T.V. since Sam Malone. I think he does it even better than Charlie Sheen who is just playing himself anyway! I was not shocked when NPH came out but really didn't care either. I like agree with the post above about what you do in the bedroom is your business, I never like someone because they sleep with men or women so why would I dislike them for that reason? I always found that so odd. do people really say to themselves "Well I really like that Joe because he bangs women" or do they say "I like Joe because he is a nice guy", I think more than likely the latter. I am also in agreement with the other post about still finding gay men hot even though I know they are gay. I LOOOOVE Anderson Cooper and think he is hot and am a huge fan of NPH and find the fact that he plays a womanizer so convincingly super hot. The fact that any of these men are gay does not distract me in the least, there is a reason they are called fantasies and these people are actors. I actually think being gay can be kinda hot too, but that is just me.... ;-)

Melissa said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Dear Gossip Boy,
There'd be no point trying to lie to you. So, I'll admit it: I am the anonymous that came up with the idea of a collective revolution days and days ago. But yes, I have heard before that the only possible revolution is the personal one. I think I tried too. In the past. And I feel like I failed, tho I might be wrong on that. I was aware failing was a possibility.
Now I'm willing to try again. Call it my way of supporting you. You know, just because revolutions are personal, doesn't mean we have to go through them all alone, without any companions. I have a lots of things I need to change for the better. Others might benefit from those changes even without my knowing so. So... I need to start right now. I'm already trying, believe me.
You seem to know yourself well enough -so I should know better than trying to give you advice. But if you asked for my opinion, I'd say "Take your time". You came out to us now and I, like many others, appreciate it. I am grateful for your honesty. Yet I must say, if you are who I think you are -I'm not sure you even ping'd for me LOL.
Anyway, you make me feel both proud and inspired. I'll try to make the best out of this chance I've been given of knowing you a little.
Love your blogs, love your tweets. keep them coming. x

Anonymous said...

Great article, ITA with it all.

they know your gay = they know you're gay. Sorry. It just annoys me.

Anonymous said...

my fabulous 16 yr old came out to family and friends last year and I couldn't be more proud of him and his attitude which is I'm me and I just want to spend my life with a man not a woman! No big deal!!!

Just wish there were some more role models out there like NPH. I have pointed out SPN's Dean and Sam but he just finds that disturbing hahahahah!!!!

Love this blog!

Naty said...

I couldnt agree more. Thank you for your honesty, beautiful words :)