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Friday, May 21, 2010

Fash Bash Attack Cannes

Mavis Beyotch, Fat Ninja, and ZipperPull are attacking Cannes and the women who think they look good.  And one actress is named the first ever Gossip Boy Worst Dressed, and she totally deserved it.

 Salma Hayek
Mavis Beyotch: This is how a lady in red should look.  Sexy, put together, va va to the voom!
ZipperPull: This Gucci Couture Red stunnah is pretty much much flawless... But, I miss her ginormous mommy sweater puppies
Fat Ninja: Fat Ninja doesn't like to comment on perfection. It's not as much fun.

Eva Longoria
 Mavis Beyotch: Love the dress, but am not sure why Eva is posing as if trained by failed Miss America organizers.
 Fat Ninja: She's going down for 3 homicides. The mirror ball someone murdered to make her gown and her two puppies she's suffocating in the name of fashion.

Mavis Beyotch: Two wedding cakes meet quinceanera dresses.  I haven't seen so much lace since grandma had curtains!
ZipperPull: Ummm, sweetheart, did anyone not tell you that this is a FILM festival???  and, that its not polite to stare.
Fat Ninja: Many people do not know that the name Aishwarya is Swahili for "Beautiful Amazonian waterfall with a large brown hill at the top"

 Naomi Campbell

Mavis Beyotch: This is how a Naomi can get it wrong.  I think she skinned the snake that slithered around the Croisette earlier, put the knife in her teeth, and pressed the still sticky carcass against her cold skin.  
ZipperPull: DUCK!!!! Wearing the latest from MyRelevanceIsWaning  Fall 2010 collection, Naomi brings it 80's style... bloated and coked up with an ugly ass dress on.
Fat Ninja: Are you REALLY gonna wear a skin-tight gown in which you can barely walk when your M.O. is to punch and run? Has Ninja training taught you nothing, Naomi?

Cate Blanchett
Mavis Beyotch: Alexander McQueen.  Cate Blanchett.  Gorgeousness ensues.
ZipperPull: An Alexander McQueen tribute dress, handpicked by the Master.  Cate can pull of OTT effortlessly.
Fat Ninja: Fat Ninja actually loves this gown. I have looked and looked. The more I look, the more I like. Fashion 1, Fat Ninja, O

 Kate Beckinsale
Mavis Beyotch: If you tell me it's her new costume for Underworld 4: Revenge of the Costume Department I'll feel better
ZipperPull: I kind of expect her to pull a pistol from her thigh, shoot a bunch of Pap's. Le Femme Nikita... now with botox
 Fat Ninja: I'm hoping she's dressed for the role of the female villain in a possible Superman: The Movie remake
 Jennifer Lopez and Naomi Campbell
Mavis Beyotch: If I hadn't gone blind staring at these two birds, I would probably be able to describe it better...or not....
Fat Ninja:  Both of their outfits were completely covered in ruffles and feathers before they threw down. There's two bitches even Fat Ninja isn't gonna tangle with.
 Lea Michele
 Zipper Pull:

F is for F'd up Make-up
A is for Anything but that hair
I is for Is that whole dress made from JSimp's shoulder pet
L is for Leave the attitude at home

All together it reads FAIL. Sorry Lea but talent does NOT excuse this ridiculous look.

Mavis Beyotch: Oh, lordy.  Maybe it's the wine, but my eyes are spinning.  Does Pebbles still live?? Fred & Wilma, WHAT is your daughter wearing??


ZipperPull said...

I was unable to adequately express in words how many things were wrong with JLo and Naomi, it is more of an internal bleeding sort of thing. With some massive eye rolls on the side.

Anonymous said... always, ur right on the money..absolutely luved salma's hot look, and cate...she can do no wrong..the other birds??? i thought i thought they might want some seed thrown at them...

Anonymous said...

YAWN. Sorry GB, I find these new posters boring.

Anonymous said...

@nonney 9:35; are you kidding me?! Fat Ninja is beyond hilarious!!!

Kathryn said...

Fred & Wilma, WHAT is your daughter wearing??

Fat Ninja said...

@anon 12:31: You have been taken off "The List". Carry on.

Anonymous said...

I love this, love love love the fashion police. JSimp's shoulder pet ... classic. I also loved Cate's gown, absolute perfection.

Anonymous said...

Thanks FN! You had me crying with this one about JLo and crazy Naomi- "There's two bitches even Fat Ninja isn't gonna tangle with."

Love ya, anon 12:31

Callie said...

Fat Ninja IS really funny. I got a super kick (no pun intended) outta this quote about Eva "She's going down for 3 homicides. The mirror ball someone murdered to make her gown and her two puppies she's suffocating in the name of fashion." I laughed so hard I spit beer all over my screen-

rog457 said...

and to think these people pay someone to make them looks this ridiculous, I can do it for free.