Ted Casablanca's Blind Vice

Secretia Ohio and Chester Shorts-Off are as horny as they are famous—just don't think they're so hot for each other, that's all. Hmmm. Certainly explains some very tabloid-messy love sitches the two have been caught in, more than once.

But let's back up:

Secretia, an impressively put-together gal of verve, good looks and surprising steeliness, has long gotten it on with tons o' guys, even though the public pretty much doesn't know. And some folks were a bit surprised when she married Chester, an incredibly talented dude who's always so busy keeping his gorgeous face smiling, no one's really stopped to think what a slut he is.

But major STD-alert? Man, is he ever:

Chester sleeps with guys as often as his career provides him with huge-ass checks. This was a little known fact when Chesty and Secretia married, to much public pronouncement. How wonderful the pretty charmer hooked the quieter, chiseled-jaw type. What a celebrity fairy-tale romance everybody thought it would be!

The public couldn't have been more wrong—or uninformed.

The deliciously kinky arrangement Secretia and Chester have is this: She gets to hook up with all the guys she pleases—usually by picking their names out of bowls at classy swingers parties. (Is that sorta like calling an alcoholic who guzzles only Grey Goose a "classy drunk"?) And Chester gets to boink all the boys he wants.

That is their secret arrangement.

And, yes, the couple does—on occasion—have sex the old-fashioned married way (meaning, with each other). But hey, how long is that gonna last, I wonder? 'Cause sooner or later, one of these beautiful couple's myriad outside lovers is gonna blow the whistle. Or worse: Watch one of Secretia or Chester's affairs fall in love with them, and then go hire Gloria Allred and call a press conference because they can't have Ohio or Shorts-Off all to themselves!

Either way, it's a precarious love stich that's just bound to pop—and how. What else do you expect when you pick your partner like he's a piece of popcorn?

It Ain't: Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller, John Travolta and Kelly Preston, Tiger and Elin Woods